Karya Siti Nur Athirah binti Roslan, (Program Write Us Story 2022)

 

Have you ever thought of these: 

What should I do to make my life meaningful?

What kind of life is meaningless?

What am I doing right now?

Am I living my life wrongly?

Am I a loser?

What should I do in the future?

Why is everyone reaching the prime moment of their life but not me?

What is wrong with me? 

Am I weird? 

 

If you ever thought of these, I would like to talk to you but through writing obviously (answer in your heart, don’t talk). Currently, I am doing my internship, and I am at a phase where I question myself a lot. 

 

At first, when I got accepted into UPM, I was excited as when Harry Potter got accepted into Hogwarts (not that awesome, actually). I felt like I was doing great. Even though my friends had already flown to a foreign country pursuing their dreams. I am still doing great. I am happy. But after the first semester ended, everything seemed to change.

 

I started to feel that I was a miserable human being. Scrolling through social media makes it even worst. I felt like I am left behind. Everyone excels in whatever they are doing in life, but not me. I started to distance myself from my old friend because I was too embarrassed about my achievement (which is zero for me). People will say that being accepted into university is an achievement. Still, I don’t feel so (don’t take me wrong, I am grateful for this opportunity). I started to feel like that because intelligent people surrounded me. Almost 99.99% of my friends go to university inside and outside Malaysia. Almost all my cousins went to university and are currently at the peak of their careers. While I am here, still trying to figure out whether it is worth it to continue whatever I am doing right now.  

 

Day by day flew by just like that. When everyone is moving forward, I stay still. When everyone is creating history, I am still a failure. I do feel kind of want to blame my fate. If I can construct my destiny, I might be better than this. No. That is a wrong idea. It is not my history that needs to be changed but who I am right now. There is no use blaming my fate, what I have done before this. There is no use if I still remain the same. If I keep repeating the same mistake. 

 

Even if I don’t want to face tomorrow, tomorrow will still come. I cannot simply stop the time or skip tomorrow because I am scared of facing it. Life goes on. I might resent my life choice, but the past is still past. If I want to change my history, I need to change myself right now. Not who I am before this. 

 

I don’t want to hide my own feelings; every time I think about the future, I start to feel anxious and breathless because it is scary. I just want you to know that it is okay. It is actually supposed to be daunting and exciting at the same time, and that is life. Don’t you agree with me?

 

 

 

Tarikh Input: 28/09/2022 | Kemaskini: 28/09/2022 | anis_akmil