Oleh : Maryam Mustafa (Write Up Story, Mac 2022)

 

The car window was open. I pulled my hand out—feeling the cold night breeze pass through my arm as my eyes travelled along the empty road. I glanced up to the sky before a thought popped in my head: ‘The sky seems vacant today, only a few stars are decorating it somehow.’

 

From the sky, I glimpsed to the driver: Delilah. Her short, sleek hair danced along with the wind’s direction.

 

We were both quiet—drowning in our own thoughts. Perhaps because it’s 2.45am, where it’s the best time for overthinkers like us to let our minds wander everywhere. However, tonight’s drive feels a bit different. I wanted to hear a song and let my thoughts fly away in it. My hand moved to the radio.

 

‘May I?’ I asked. Delilah gave a simple nod as a gesture of permission. I switched the radio on, my ears observantly listened to the lyrics.

 

[When there’s no one to hold you,

I will still hold you down.]

 

I chuckled slightly. ‘Funny, huh? How once upon a time, someone swore they’d always be there for you during your highs and lows, they swore they’d be there to hold us down—yet all they did was leaving,’ I uttered.

 

Still focused on the road, Delilah asked: ‘Did you recall someone specific when that song was played?’

 

‘Yeah, just someone I wish I could forget. . .Honestly, it hurts when I have to remember about someone who hurt me so bad whenever I listen to a certain music,’ I said hollowly before exhaling a soft sigh.

 

‘When we listen to the so-called romantic songs—why must we recall someone who specifically wound us?’ She asked absently.

 

I shrugged. ‘Perhaps because we still love them? Isn’t this something natural, for us to remember someone we truly love the dearest, despite all they were being was a walking red flag?’

 

Delilah’s lips crafted a smile. ‘You want to know what’s funnier? When we recall someone specific whenever the romantic songs were playing around us because we ‘love’ them, yet why can’t we ‘recall’ ourselves as the person we love the dearest?’ she spoke smoothly.

 

Her eyes were still on the road when I looked at her. That was an unexpected reply.

 

I went mute. I have no answer as well, this is the first time I’ve seen through this perspective. Indeed, why so? I started to wonder.

 

Delilah continued, ‘When there was no one to hold us during our lows, why can’t we relate it to ourselves as the person who was actually there? When we were down, the only one who was there was ourselves, the only one who hold ourselves was our own self, and the only one who bring us up again? That’s our own self too,’

 

‘I just think it’s about time we actually learn more about ourselves—our likes, our dislikes, our quirks, our abilities, our disabilities, our everything. Why wait for someone to learn all about us when we still have ourselves? It’s time to put yourself into those romantic songs, and not anyone else—especially the ones who maimed you,’ She spoke again.

I remained quiet. I have no idea what to say.

 

‘When was the last time you told an ‘I love you’ to yourself, Lilian?’ This time, she looked at me right in the eyes.

 

My vision began to blur. Is this tears?

 

Indeed, when was the last time?

 

When?

 

Tarikh Input: 03/10/2022 | Kemaskini: 01/11/2022 | anis_akmil